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Wednesday, August 31st, 2011 The Mourning After Update by Clayton |
I have a Facebook account.
I created it back in 2005 or 2006 when it was all the rage and like everyone else, I added everyone whose name I recognized as a friend, even if we had never even said 'hi' to each other in real life. I didn't bother with any apps or the photos or any of that nonsense as I was more interested in seeing what had happened to the people I used to go to school with.
About six months into having an account however, I made a not-quite-surprising personal discovery: I didn't actually care what anyone I knew was up to. Their lives, their achievements, their fantastic around-the-world trips...it was all really meaningless and uninteresting. I stopped using Facebook on a regular basis.
Despite my revelation I didn't delete my account as on rare occasions I would come across someone on Facebook that I'd actually want to talk to and catch up with, so it served its purpose. So why am I talking about Facebook today?
Last week was my 33rd birthday. Out of my 108 Facebook "friends", 3 people wished me a happy birthday; one woman who is a friend of the family that I probably haven't seen in close to 20 years, one woman who I went to school with and haven't seen in over 15 years, and my sister. Now I don't really care whether or not people wished me happy birthday but the two non-family people who did wish me happy birthday (thank you, by the way) couldn't really be listed as my "friends", per se. In fact, we're really so disconnected that I could barely list them as acquaintances. So why did they wish me well when the reality is that I probably mean less than nothing in their lives?
I suspect the reason is because Facebook told them it was my birthday and they felt compelled to wish me a happy birthday...they were caught up in a desire to participate in an event that has some social convention about well-wishing. And I suspect it is a similar force to the one that drives the public response to Jack Layton's death.
Jack Layton was the official opposition party leader in Canada and he died on August 22nd from cancer and the truth is it didn't really phase or bother me one bit. I didn't know Jack Layton, I'm not friends with his friends or family and I have no affiliation to the NDP party (other than being on their emailing list for some reason). My life without Jack Layton is going to be the same as my life with Jack Layton, as it is with respect to the scores of other people who die on a daily basis but receive far less media coverage.
I've found the public response to his death to be a rather strange social phenonmenon. Pictures of people crying on the streets, setting up makeshift memorials in random places, the Internet all aglow with comments about how he'll be missed, etc. It would make one think that Jack Layton personally saved the lives of everyone in Canada given the collective grief being displayed.
By why is that grief there? The reality is that aside from whatever Jack did as a politician on the Toronto City council his biggest claim to fame is coming in second in the popularity contest known as the Canadian federal election. That's it. And the only reason I believe the NDP did so well was because the other three parties (Bloc, Liberal and PC) spent their entire campaigns slapping eachother around like the three stooges and everyone just got fed up with the childishness of it all. Preston Manning did the same thing with the Reform party back in 1997 and I doubt there'll be this much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments when he kicks the bucket. Finally, this is all about a political figure; Canadians can't be bothered to care about politics on a good day.
I believe that the collective grief is there because our social media have played up his death as something that should affect us deeply. And like the salivating dogs they are, people have fallen into line and expressed emotion that they really wouldn't have unless told otherwise.
The extreme emotion being outpoured is way out of scope for Jack Layton. He just wasn't that important of a person. Was he a decent human being? Aside from being a politician, maybe. I didn't know him. Was he an eloquent speaker? Absolutely. Was he more important than any of the other people who died on August 22nd and didn't get any media coverage. I don't think so.
Despite my rather cold-heartedness regarding Jack's death, I won't deny its significance. It stands as a memento mori that even those whom we consider the most powerful cannot stop the inevitability of death. It also stands to illustrate the joke that our party-based political system has become. So many questions have been raised about the NDP's future without Jack yet nobody seems to have pointed out the fact that if so much was riding on one man then what is the point of the party? Should the NDP not be able to stand on its principles and platform regardless of which smiling face graces their billboards? Can mainstream media and, God forbid, the government ever finally admit that our elections are nothing more than popularity contests based far more on the likability of the party leader than the entire party doctrine itself? Seriously...in four years time if Justin Bieber ran as the leader of the Nazi Party of Canada we'd all be shouting "Heil Bieber!" the day after the election. We are that shallow of a people.
But I'm not shallow. Just ask any of my 108 friends on Facebook.
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Sunday, August 21st, 2011 Defining Powers Recursively Update by Clayton |
To any mathematicians who stumble across this site I apologise in advance for my lack of proper terminology and absolutely no formal proofs; it's been over 10 years since I've had a calculus class and I couldn't even be classified as an armchair mathematician.
There's a lot written online about how one can define a power function (e.q. squared, cubed, etc.) recursively, especially as an excercise in programmatic recursive function definition. All the sites I bothered to look at provide a recursive definition for a given power that goes something like this:
xn = x * x(n - 1)
These solutions all treat the problem of recursively calculating xn by changing the exponent. But what if we wanted to calculate a power of x by looking at the same exponential power of x - 1? For example, is there some function I can define to calculate the value of 32 if I already know the value of 22?
After very little thinking I came up with the following solution for squares:
x2 = (x - 1)2 + 2(x - 1) + 1
To illustrate how it works, let's look at an example. Let's say that I know that 122 = 144, but I don't know what 132 is. I could simply do the multiplication, but let's use my formula instead:
132 = 122 + 2(12) + 1 = 144 + 24 + 1 = 169
This function works for any integer value of x, including 0 and negative integers. Pretty neat, eh?
While I doubt this function has any value from a computing perspective, it does allow me as a human to quickly calculate a square if I know the square of the preceeding integer. Even if the numbers aren't right next to eachother but relatively close it may take less time for me to work my way from a known square to the desired one using my function rather than doing the multiplication outright (I'm not a quick multiplier in my head).
For fun, I decided to see if I could come up with a similar function for cubes. After a little bit of trial-and-error I arrived at the following formula:
x3 = (x - 1)3 + 3(x - 1)2 + 3(x - 1) + 1
Try the cubed formula out; it seems to work just as well as the square one with any integer, positive or negative.
Comparing the two forumlae got me thinking; perhaps there's a general recursive formula for any exponent n? I decided that a logical generic formula might be as follows:
xn = (x - 1)n + i = 1Σi < n( n(x - 1)i ) + 1
...and while it seems to work for squares and cubes, when I tried it for the 4th power I ended up with the resulting formula:
x4 = (x - 1)4 + 4(x - 1)3 + 4(x - 1)2 + 4(x - 1)1 + 1
...which doesn't work at all. In fact, trying it with a few small integers revealed that every answer the formula spat out was off by a power of 2. Doing it for x5 didn't work either.
So perhaps some clever mathematician can comment here or email me directly and explain to me what the correct generic formula is (if one exists), or what my error in logic is with my attempt at a general formula. Given my busy schedule it's a miracle I had the time to devote this much thought on the subject.
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Friday, August 12th, 2011 An Open Letter to Rob Schneider, Actor Update by Clayton |
Dear Mr. Schneider,
In terms of subject matter, this letter is six years overdue. To start, I'd like to say that I'm not your biggest fan, but please don't take that statement as containing negative undertones. The truth is I'm not much of a celebrity-follower and really didn't become aware of your existence before The Hot Chick. I do know that I am not an Adam Sandler fan as there's just something about his sense of humour or mannerisms that doesn't sit right with me, but the few times I've found myself sitting in front of one of his movies I've noticed your many cameos and enjoyed the bit parts you've played in them. I was disappointed when I sat through the lacklustre Just Go With It and did not see you in it.
But this letter is not about Mr. Sandler or his films. It is about one of yours; the 2005 film Deuce Bigalow, European Gigalo.
I was first introduced to your film in 2007 when I met my girlfriend. She is the sort of person who can't sleep unless there's a movie looping in the bedroom and Deuce 2 was in her top five list of "sleepy movies". The more I spent the night with her the more exposure I had to the film. After a few months I could recite the entire movie line for line. I guess sleep learning does work after all.
Being an analyst (you can't spell "analyst" without "anal") I typically research every film I watch. I was quite dismayed to learn that the reviews for Deuce 2 were as negative as they were. When I finally saw Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigalo (which received much higher reviews) I was additionally confused as I thought the second movie was funnier. Of course the second movie had actual bare breasts in it (compared to only seeing Bree Turner's wet t-shirt in the first), so maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know, I'm a programmer, not a psychologist.
All that being said, I will be the first to admit that the movie had some shortcomings. But unlike certain critics who simply dismissed your movie with "your film sucks", I've decided to try to offer some constructive criticism. I'm a software developer and I've had work I've done reviewed and while my work is typically well-received, the negative reviews are the ones that sting most and I've always appreciated those who take the time to offer suggestions for improvements. I recently watched Jamie Kennedy's documentary Heckler and I can appreciate that it must be even worse for an artist like yourself when the negative reviews get so much exposure.
Of course the fact that I'm writing this six years after the film was released probably won't mean a whole heck of a lot but you seem like a really decent fellow and having enjoyed your movie over and over and over (and over!) again it only seems fair to try and give something back in return.
I'm going to start off my review with a list of the aspects of the film I really liked, where the comedy was bang-on or the plot was simply brilliant. Then, rather than complain about stuff I didn't like, I'm going to give a list of things I felt would have improved or strengthened the story. I've never seen any of the deleted scenes or extended editions (if there are any), so maybe some of my ideas or questions are moot when those are taken into account.
The Pros
- The dolphin bit at the beginning and the foul-mouthed jerky kids was really funny and unexpected.
- The backstory to getting Deuce back in the gigalo saddle (having Kate killed off) was well done and not over-the-top. Deuce's obsession with carrying her prosthetic limb everywhere not only revealed his devotion to her, but the fact that he is just as broken and human as the women he inevitably is assigned to as a gigalo.
- Despite the fact that I have never personally done drugs (or even been drunk), I think the funniest part of the movie is the non-sequitor space cakes scene with the girl in the painting. The falling through the painting and having a painting of the coffee shop suspended in the air behind him once he's inside the windmill painting was so well done. My favourite line in the film is "I don't have a credit card!" and the delivery is spot on. Even after seeing it dozens of times I still laugh.
- Kaiser (the old man-whore) was pretty funny, despite his four seconds of screen time and no dialogue. It's like TJ's man-whore stable is filled with the weirdest and most defective gigalos.
- Any scene with a partially-nude female.
- TJ's reaction when he learned that the Dutch started the slave trade was priceless. His constant interpretation of Deuce as racist was great.
- The interaction between Deuce and the smoker at the aquarium was a good scene.
- Deuce's solutions to all the various women's problems were well thought out and the breast augmentation of the woman with big ears and penis-for-a-nose were really funny.
- The single droplet sound effect when Deuce tosses the midget into the water was perfect. My compliments to the foley artist.
- Deuce's line about the "girl with the big ears overhearing something about a photo..." was quite clever and probably missed by most people.
- L'il Kim's encounter with the security guard at the man-whore union was pretty well done and I liked his "yo mama" insults.
- The portrayal of Canadians as constantly-high and publicly defecating was a refreshing change to the tired old "polite and peaceful Canadian" stereotype. I mean, seriously, Canadians are jerks.
- TJ's tour of the man-whore museum with the ludicrous historical figures and Deuce's eye-rolling was funny.
- The ultimate fate of Kate's leg was well done and was some nice closure for Deuce.
The Not-So Pros
- The news report about the dolphin attack that showed a busker-style caricature of you had the reporter saying that witnesses described Deuce "...as goofy-looking and probably a virgin". The "probably a virgin" line just doesn't strike me as funny. I haven't quite come up with a funnier line for it yet but maybe something that compared you to a someone famous that you vaguely resemble (or that the caricature resembled). Something along the lines of the Family Guy episode where a news report sketch of Peter and Lois (identified as a large fat man inexplicably married to an attractive redhead) was rendered as Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
- The scene with the black guy and Kate's leg in the airport seemed forced. The accidental switching was funny, but the black guy's justifcation for wanting to keep Kate's leg was kind of a miss. Maybe if he was gay and remarked about how the leg slimmed his figure...meh.
- Having your mom in the seat behind Deuce when he sat down in the plane was a nice touch. I might've been tempted to put the eyepatch back on her, and I would've made sure that she was still sitting behind Deuce when the scene switched to a few hours later when the stewardess turns out Deuce's light while he sleeps.
- While Deuce 2 wasn't really a mystery flick, I think you could have kept up the ambiguity regarding TJ's suspicious absences whenever a man-whore was murdered. TJ is clearly a whack-job at the best of times (even Deuce calls him "crazy gay") and leading the viewer to believe that he might actually be the man-whore killer could have added some entertainment value.
- When the "mangina" GPS unit was being demonstrated at the man-whore union meeting the coordinates were clearly southern California and not in Amsterdam. Not a big oops but hey...
- The marijuana-truck scene with Gaspar felt a little forced, like it was only there to have a guy with a funny accent talk about how all that pot is for his daughter's 13th birthday, which didn't really fit with the plot. Maybe it's funnier to people who actually smoke pot or as a social commentary on Amsterdam?
- Not a complaint, but I assume Antoine died, because otherwise he probably would have continued to help Deuce and TJ, correct?
- When Deuce is talking to the gigalos and they ask him if he even knows when a woman is having an orgasm, I couldn't tell if his answer was him being sarcastic or if he really believed what he said. I'm not sure if I find it funny or not.
- Adam Sandler's brief visual cameo during the man-whore awards could definitely have been played down a lot more. It would have been funnier if it was Sandler dressed to the nine's like a true European gigalo because it would be so out of his element. The yellow cowboy outfit-wearing Sandler making lewd gestures with his hands was just too much Sandler and didn't fit with the movie.
- When Deuce kept mis-hearing Eva's "he's the killer" it was little over-done and his misinterpretations (e.g. "18-wheeler?") weren't really funny. I like it when movies break the fourth wall so maybe misinterpreting it as "this is filler?" would have been funnier. Or maybe it's just me.
- The "what happened after the movie" texts at the end were pretty hit and miss. Deuce and Eva's were ok, Gaspar's was okay, but TJ and L'il Kim's weren't that funny. Maybe you could have said that L'il Kim decided to get a sex change operation, dye his/her skin brown and become a rapper?
So that's my list. Take what you will from it or take nothing at all. Despite the fact that my not-so pro list is longer than my pro list Deuce 2 wasn't a bad movie and it's made me smile on many an occasion. So thank you, Mr. Schneider, for making the film. And if you ever find yourself in Winnipeg (though I can't possibly imagine why you'd come here) I'd be more than happy to have you over for dinner. I know celebirties are constantly hounded by regular schmucks like me to be funny or talk about their lives but if you'd like a change of pace I can certainly regale you with tales of my interesting existence; who knows, you might even want to make a movie of it. It's a bit of a dark comedy, though.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to your next film.
Sincerely,
Clayton Rumley, B.Sc.
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
PS - My girlfriend just shakes her head at the things I take time to do (like write this letter).
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Wednesday, August 10th, 2011 Another CodeProject Article! Woohoo! Update by Clayton |
Today I submitted my 3rd CodeProject article. It's about securely exposing asynchronous methods to client script from the code-behind page in ASP.NET websites.
Of course, most of you probably won't understand a word of what I just said.
That's ok. Here's some Cyanide & Happiness for you.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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